its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i out mim tonsoeep
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