yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
