How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I can text with my tongue
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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