I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
