The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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