I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
