ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
