he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
