I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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