Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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