my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Are we still banned from the library?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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