He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
