I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The beer is more important than you right now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
