Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
