There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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