I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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