hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
