Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
