Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just threw up on my dentist
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
being pregnant is like rehab
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
