the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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