He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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