The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My pussy is not your playground.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
