if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
