Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
