My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
