how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
