My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
