VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
