I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
