Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
