Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
