i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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