why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
