where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
