She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
