I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize