Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
