i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
