He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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