"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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