Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
