mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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