Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
