oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
