That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
