i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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