I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
