Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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