Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
