i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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