On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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