you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
