She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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