I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
