i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
