I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
