Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
