you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
